The Reaper - A one page story

Need to get something off of (or onto) your chest? Set it free!
Hey guys! Let's add some content in this section!
I just love writing and I wondered what you thought about that (my English isn't perfect though. The problem of not being English). Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated :smile:
BEWARE : It's really violent.
Here is a PDF link (with the first version too)

Here is the story :

He runs as
fast as he can. The hunt is about to finish. She wants to play with him some more. Victory howl.
Scream and suffering. A leg flies in the distance, spreading blood all around.
Some new screams sounds. She is just playing with him like a cat is playing
with a small animal it caught.

He can't believe it happened so fast.

She is enjoying her time playing with this small
They both remembered the few minutes before this moment.

She is
walking around, searching for some food. She sees a lonely
victim, looking healthy enough to give her a few minutes of resistance. He has weapons, so she may even fight a bit. She moves on a strategic place to begin her
chase. When he hears the cry, he runs in the forest. The strategy is

He goes
deeper in the woods, searching who could cry like this. It is dark under the
trees. A few meters before he gets in sight of what is screaming, it transforms into
a diabolical laugh, or an unnatural howl. He draws his weapons (a sword and
a crossbow) in a second. He is now ready for a hard fight against an unknown
enemy. It comes way faster than he expects, and much stronger. He is just
fast enough to avoid the assault. He shots an arrow directed to the creature.
She dodges it with an inhuman agility. She howls, expressing how happy she is
to fight.

He takes a
defensive position, hoping that he would kill this beast. She jumps on
him. He throws himself on the ground and tries to attack the creature. A demonic
Shadow passes over the Humanity. He screams. The impact almost broke his
arm. She only gets a negligible wound in return.

They both
turn to the other. She rushes on him. He tries to hit her on the head. She
breaks the sword with her teeth. She stops her move. They see the eyes of each
other. Terror facing victory. He can’t believe what is happening. He turns
back and flee. She lets him take some advance. She knows that she will
catch her victim. He runs in the forest as fast as he can, blinded by the lack
of light and the branches in his way. He feels tears in his eyes.

He looks
back. He turns around. He falls down.

Suddenly, reality comes back. They are no more in the past. Bones are shattered.
Blood is spilled. He screams.

She stops
playing a second to take a look to her living meal. He makes his last preys to his gods. He closes his
eyes. He has not much blood left in his veins and she is getting annoyed of
this game. Last screams of pain. It resounds in the whole forest. An eternity

eternity was actually an instant. She is eating a dead body now.

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Posts: 1831
Location: Bordeaux, France


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Posts: 73
Location: Valley Park, Mo

Dang. That's pretty solid.

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Posts: 1371
Location: St. Louis, Missouri, USA

I wanted to write some really short stories (not like this one) and post it on this forum so would you be interested? (it is a nice training for me and may be entertaining for you)

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Posts: 1831
Location: Bordeaux, France

Hell yes. Do you want feedback, both grammatical and on the storytelling? As a master Englishist™ I'd be happy to give some pointers. And as a fellow writer I'd be happy to help with story structure, too!

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Posts: 329

That would be REALLY awesome :D

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Posts: 1831
Location: Bordeaux, France

ALRIIIIGHT! Feedback is the stuff of masters.
Watch your tenses. The story swaps between present and past every couple of sentences. For example, "He runs as fast as he can" followed two sentences later by "The hunt was about to finish. She stopped victoriously." Different tenses can serve different purposes - in the case of your story, making the reader feel like they're actively being hunted would best be served by keeping everything in present tense, so anything with an "-ed" ending gets swapped for its present tense version. BOOM.The story has a fun structure, beginning with the end, turning back to how the character got there, and then ending with the end. BUT! If you swapped the " He looks back. He falls down." then the reader won't know how the story is likely to end right away, which is key for some SUSPENSE. Halfway through it seems that the character may well survive, but this sentence combo acts as a kind of spoiler for the rest of the story. BAJAMBO."All of sudden," lots of native speakers use "All of a sudden" or "All of the sudden", but "Suddenly" does the same amount of work in less space. AWWW YISS BREVITY.Let me know if any of that doesn't make sense!

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Posts: 329

Thank you so much Sam!
1. I always do this :\ But thank you for reminding it to me! There should be no more past tense (I think, but I'm not perfectly sure of this point)

2. is a really good idea (like really awesome idea in fact)
3. Don't even now why i wrote
this now you mention it. Even in the original (French) version i wrote 'soudainement' (=suddenly as you guessed)

I also tweaked/modified some things.

Thank you again!

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Posts: 1831
Location: Bordeaux, France

@Ulnarevern? You should check out Scribophile. I hung out a lot on there back in the day, and it's a good place to give and get productive feedback.

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Posts: 1722
Location: Dallas, TX USA

@BscotchAdam? Thank you for the link. I took a look and it seems really interesting. I'm trying to progress on some other projects for now but i'll keep this link safe :smile:

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Posts: 1831
Location: Bordeaux, France

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